Repair Relationships, Practice Forgiving and Move Away from Self-Blame
Do you ever find yourself mulling over the past with a hyperfocus on the mistakes you’ve made?
Going deep into the shame arena with a demolition derby of nasty thoughts revving their engines and crashing into each other all at once. Rumination that spins you into a smoke-filled sandpit; trapping you between the guardrail and a stalled out wreck. Your mind suffocates. A few minutes feel like they go on forever. Waiting for someone to wave the red flag that will bring everything to a halt.
Forgiveness is a “red flag” guiding us to remove our foot from the gas pedal. A signal to “own up to one’s mistakes”, “let go of hurt when wronged”, and choose an alternative to “bitterness and resentment”. Forgiveness is a pathway within the virtue of temperance according to VIA Institute on Character.However, the pain we feel when harmed by others is inevitable, and we often haven’t learned to make repairs in relationships. When we hang on to these past offenses it keeps us in a traffic circle of suffering. Round and round we go. Even though there is a lot of guidance on ways to forgive others without condoning their past wrongdoing, all the information in the world cannot turn the steering wheel of forgiveness to move us out of that place of hurt without our willingness to act.
A road out of the traffic circle comes when we identify the past mistakes we made. We have to own our past harmful behaviors and actions. Unfortunately, shame, judgment and guilt are woven tightly into our mistakes; holding us in place like a locked seatbelt after a crash. We know it is necessary to escape the wreck, but it feels nearly impossible when suspended upside down in your car - wheels to the sky. Feeling stuck is a warning light letting us know those mistakes have turned into self-limiting beliefs. Those beliefs are fuel for all the negative thoughts taking laps around our minds like cars in the Indy 500. Lots of speed and activity, but we end right where we began: shame, judgment and guilt.
“Shame casts one not as a human being who did a bad thing, but as a human being who is bad…people who feel shame are more likely to respond defensively…and it rarely leads us to take action to make amends.” The “antidote” to shame is self-compassion according to Susan David, the author of Emotional Agility: Get Unstuck, Embrace Change, and Thrive in Work and Life.
Guilt on the other hand is “no fun, but it has a purpose…society depends on guilty feelings to keep us from repeating our errors and misdeeds. Feeling bad comes first, but the “transgression does not make you an irredeemably awful human being.”When we lack compassion, we see the world as just as unforgiving as we are, so the very idea of failure is crippling.”
Additionally, David goes on to explain that self-compassion is “looking at yourself from an outside perspective: a broad and inclusive view that doesn’t deny reality but instead recognizes your challenges and failures as part of being human.” In her book she notes, “there’s a misconception that you need to be tough on yourself to maintain your edge. But people who are more accepting of their own failures may actually be more motivated to improve.”
Forgiveness is the tow truck that hauls us back to the garage where we can disassemble the faulty thinking patterns. Discernment is the mechanic who tosses out the cracked, broken underlying beliefs. Relationship repair, as Dr. Becky describes it in her TED Talk, gets us back out on the road with a sturdy new frame of mind and self-compassion gives us a sense of direction. Ultimately, separating our identity from our behaviors allows us to find a new route for moving forward at a comfortable pace.
Because “despite all appearances, conditions of an exterior nature do not cause wars, or poverty, or disease, or any of the unfortunate circumstances apparent in the world. Your beliefs form your reality. Your thoughts generate practical experience. When these change, conditions will change.”
~Seth, in Jane Roberts’ The Nature of the Psyche
Sharing thoughts aloud and having someone receive them without judgment is an important step to diminish limiting beliefs and start implementing forgiveness. If you need help creating enough stillness in your life to face the pain, begin to forgive and learn self-compassion,please reach out.